I Got A Tinder

…and it’s made me lose all faith in humanity.

There’s no better way to explain this than to provide you with the painful details of every single one of my tinder experiences, each experience as unique as the one before it:

1. The Dog (literally): His name is Cubby and he owes a bunch of money to the IRS and asked me to make a donation. I wasn’t as surprised by this as I probably should’ve been – I mean I went into Tinder hoping to see some weird sh*t, and weird sh*t is exactly what I got!

2. That Guy From High School: I was feelin’ ballsy so I swiped right on that guy who was a senior when I was a freshman in high school and was/still is SO HOT. That-Guy-From-High-School turned out to be the MOST BORING conversationalist of all time. Like grandpa status b-o-r-i-n-g. All he was interested in talking about was some TV series he was watching. I don’t even remember what the stupid series was called because that’s how uninterested I was. Ugh, a disappointment for sure but at least I’ll never have to ask myself again “what if?”.

3. The Catfish: When all your pics are model shots, chances are you’re not who you say you are. Trust me, I’ve watched enough episodes of Catfish: The TV Show to know an internet phony when I see one.

4. The Prostitute: There’s always gonna be that buy looking to exchange money for sexual favors. In this case, he wanted me to pay him – if you get what I mean…

5. The Too Good To Be True: He’s attractive, a recent ivy league graduate, and comes from a loaded ($$$$) family. When the Too-Good-To-Be-True struck up a convo with me I made the wise decision to ignore him …and I’ve second-guessed my decision everyday since. Maybe it’s not too late? Maybe it is. I don’t know?


I can confidently say that my time wasted spent on Tinder is officially over. I came, I saw, I conquered – Tinder. 


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